Thank you for your interest in working for us here at Jerks-r-US. However, before you start tomorrow, there are a few things you should probably know.
-Salary: will be determined upon employment.
-Raises:We currently maintain the following view:
-If you are wearing Prada, or a Rolex, we assume you are financially well off, and you don't need a raise.
-If you are poor, we assume you don't know how to manage your money, and you don't need a raise.
-If you dress normally, we assume you know how to manage your money, and you don't need a raise.
-Personal Days: We, the company, like to treat everyone equally. As such, everyone gets 104 personal days a year. These days are known as Saturday and Sunday.
-Sick Days: As of 6/12/09, we no longer accept doctor's notes as an excuse for missing work. If you're well enough to go to the doctor, you're well enough to come to work.
-Bereavement Days: As a company, we "truly" are sorry for your loss. However, there is nothing you can do for them, and as such, you should be at work.
-Vacation Days: You can have as many days as the manager of the store takes.
-Lunch Break: Currently, the company believes the following:
-Skinny people, 30 minutes, because you need all the time you can get to get healthy.
-Normal people, 15 minutes, in which you will eat a balanced meal.
-Fat people, 5 minutes, that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
-Restroom breaks: All employees get three minutes in the restroom. After this point, the toilet will flush, the toilet paper retract, the door will open, and a picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the monthly offenders bulletin board in the employee lounge.
Please Note: All employees must appear to wash their hands.
There are probably a few things I'm forgetting, but that's probably for your benefit. In the next bit, you will read about Employee benefits and Insurance Policies. We recommend you skip this section.
-Employee of the Month: Will be awarded to the employee who proves to be the least troublesome to the manager. The reward shall be constituted by a sticker, and a temporary demotion to ensure that you don't get it next month. Any complaints about this policy should be given directly to the manager.
-Employee Benefits: To be brief, there are no real benefits, I am required to put this in here by law. However, your employment contract is indefinitely lasting, so consider that job security.
-Insurance options: Despite all of this, the company believes this might be the only positive section for you.
In short, the company isn't liable for anything harmful that might hurt you. Should something happen, please visit the in-store pharmacy.
Please Note: The company isn't responsible for your psychological problems.
-Open Door Policy: As a general rule of thumb, the manager likes to keep his door shut for various reasons. If you see the door open, please shut it, and don't bother walking in.
-Fail of the Month: Each and every day, mistakes will be made. Henceforth, the wall in the back of the building shall be known as the wall of shame. The employee(s) receiving this honor will have their picture posted on the wall for other employees to make fun of in any way the deem fit and proper.